puttin the pieces back together!

It seems like an eternity after a psychological breakdown happens that it takes to put the pieces back together.  You life seems to be in shambles.  If you are lucky you still have your job and the rest of you life in tact.  For those of you who lost a job or friends or family members due to your illness you know what I am talking about.  I went into the psych ward with a job and came out with out a job or an income.  This time I did not put myself into too much debt but I still have the wreckage to clean up.  After 3 months I finally have a job  and it seems like I have been out of work for a year.  Financially I took a dive. After years of going thru this I would like just once to be able to not have to start all over again.  The one thing in a long list of many I am grateful for is that my family and friends have not given up on me.  I have seen how mental illness takes its toll on loved ones.  My mother has always stood by me no matter what.  I have been lucky in that way.  My friends that I have managed to keep, as mental illness is has it's toll on relationships, have forgiven me over and over again in the past.  Today I have managed to keep the collateral damage down to a minimum.  The only wreckage I seem to have is financial.  I would like someday to be able to support myself without the help of others.  If this will ever happen I can then say I have gotten everything I need.
 

overly medicated

I do not think that it is to a really bad extreme but I certainly feel like as my daughter puts it that I have "flat lined the fun-o-meter".  I visited my mother this past week and she said I have a glazed look to me like I am vacant.  I have not been up this late in a long time.  I drank an NOS and 4 shots of espresso to do so and it feels good.  I am not usually one to mess with my medication however I do feel like I need some umph put back into my life.  The balance of medication is really hard to find.  Not knowing what "normal" feels like it takes a while to get to a "normal" state of mind.  Then again I miss my mania to a degree.  I want my cake and eat it too.  I would like to keep thee mania without all of its crazy bad things that happen and I know that is not possible.  Feeling flat is boring and I also feel apprehensive and extremely self conscious. I feel most the time like I look like a deer caught in headlights or a piece of petrified wood.  Not knowing what to say or how to act I think is caused by over medication.  Really all I want is to have a normal life and feel good which seems to be asking too much right now.  The fact that I am always second guessing how I am feeling makes me think that my life as I know it will never be "normal" whatever that means.  "Normal" is an illusion that is created by society to have a norm to refer to as a standard by which to measure each other.  Without standards and norms society would not be able to label us as mentally defective.  The truth of the matter is that there is no "normal"  every family or person has something about them that is skewed, we all have our secrets to tell.  Some are just more forthcoming than others.  I for one do not live my life by the standards of society due to the fact that I think they do not work for me.  According to society by this age I should be happily married with 2.5 children (how you get half the child I will never understand)  I am divorced twice with no intention of ever getting married again and I have four children.  My intention today is to do what makes me happy and fulfill what I think my life needs, if that fits into society;s plan so be it if not fuck it!  Being bipolar is a double edged sword on one side you feel as though you can do anything on the other side it can feel as though it will do anything to you.

energy

Is the energy we have over the top or just a normal spurt of energy?  How to determine the energy we have.  It is hard enough to weed through the feelings we have and how to manage them.  In the past few days I have painted half a room, read part of 2 books, seen 3 movies gone for a walk, gone for a 5 mile bike ride and who knows what else.  At the time it all seems normal to me but foe most this seems over the top this really was all in a day and a half.  What I look for is the other signs of mania the talking fast the talking over people, anger or rage spending sprees of which I have none.  So I call it being productive.  Having manic symptoms does not always have to be a bad thing if it is productive.  Mania is thought of as a negative but those negative energies if channeled the right way can turn into productive creative energy.  I do not believe that creativity is lost through medication.  I do believe that that it takes time to get that creativity back once on medication or the right regimen of medication.Tap into your energy and see what happens it can be just as exhilarating as it is when medicated.  This is one of the reasons that people who are medicated stay that was for years because they are afraid to loose themselves in the medication.  With a good doctor and therapist this does not need to happen.  Unfortunately advocating for yourself is the hard thing to do but do not stop fighting to get your message through to you doctor.  Energy is where I like to be.  Some of us live mostly in depression and that is a difficult place to be.  I am fortunate I live mostly in mania or mixed episodes.  But with the right doctors and the right balance even then you can be brought up to a normal energy level.  Sometimes it is hard to tell if you are reaching over the top energies.  There are tell tale signs of that you are tipping the scales.  Those signs that are classic seem to be talking fast, spending sprees, feeling overly sexed, and risk taking behavior.  Unfortunately until you have a good handle on you illness it is difficult to cut these off at the head.  I set up fail safes for myself so I know when I am getting out of hand, such as, letting friends know when to warn me I am talking fast because I can not always see it, also letting them know that they cna approach me with my behavior.  Be cause I am really good at manipulation or not listening I have them email me it is hard to ignore paper it is easy to talk over people.  So get to know you and what it feels like to be normal.  I also know if I am questioning myself I might be heading in the wrong direction.

Bipolar disorder is unlike any other mental illness I know.There are so many different variations of the disorder that it is impossible to list them all in the DSM IV(diagnostic and statistical manual of mental Illnesses) the diagnostic book used to diagnose mental illnesses the book at best gives a list of most symptoms. What is difficult is that most people do not go to the Dr. whan they are feeling good so people who meet the requirements for hypomania and not mania go undetected sometimes for years.  There are so many other symptoms that cross over into other disorders that the bipolar person can sometimes go misdiagnosed for years.  Putting a bipolar person on the wrong medication can have unfavorable effects at the least.  It is important when you go to the doctor to be completely honest with him.  No matter how small the symptom or insignificant you might think the issue is.  Had I known that a heightened sex drive was a symptom of bipolar I would have shared that with my doctor.  If someone had mentioned to me these things in the beginning it might not have taken over 15 years to diagnose me.  I had one psychiatrist many many years ago just tell me I had mood swings but put me on lithium.  I was you and did not know the questions to ask.  All the research I tried to do kept bringing me back to the same set of symptoms which did nothing to explain what I was going through. On the way to the hospital one time a very good friend of mine thought it would be a good idea to stop at the bookstore (what timing) I thought.  I was losing my mind and she wanted to stop at the book store.  The book she bought changed the way I thought about myself.  This has be come my bipolar bible.  The book is "An Unquiet Mind" by Kay Redfield Jamison.  This book changed my life.  I was able to identify with what she went through and not just be a symptom on a page in a book.  Though our stories are different I could see myself on the pages of her book and for this reason it is my bipolar bible.  If you have not read the book at least watch this video to see what it is about.  It truly a fantastic account of a bipolar life of a well known psychiatrist who has the disease herself.

acceptance

Acceptance is a process.  It is a process I thought I was finished with.  I thought I was OK being bipolar however I know know that I am OK with being manic.  I do not like the touchy feely part of this disorder.  Being manic I am not aware of my feelings.  It's like not quite having your feet on the ground.  When I am not nice I struggle with feelings and trying to decipher if they are true or over the top.  Feelings make me feel uncomfortable in my own skin and that is like my feet doing skids on the ground without shoes on.  Sparks fly from the friction.  Acceptance has come in pieces and I am now working on the acceptance of the reality of feelings.  It is also like a grieving process. Grieving the person you are when you are manic.  Trying not to intellectualize this and process for what it is is difficult.  I am still trying to fit it into a box and I know there is no box.  Then it just becomes frantically looking for a place to put it and never finding one.

co-occuring disorders

 have heard that co-occurring disorders are common in mental illness.  This is defined by one or more disorders running concurrently. Typically they are (but not limited to) substance abuse and mental illness.  The basic theory is that those with mental illness seem to self medicating.  Then again it can be the chicken and the egg theory too.   I personally believe it can go both ways.  There are certain times that the illness comes first and are biologically based and others I believe some can be drug induced.  I tend to weigh heavier on the biologically based for certain illnesses such as bipolar I can not see how it is drug induced.  I think that the withdrawal symptoms from drugs and other drug related symptoms can mimic the disease however they are not a true mental illness.  I believe also that Dr.s are too quick to diagnose those with withdrawal symptoms with mental illness before they let the withdrawal wear off first.  Sometimes it is true and other times people are misdiagnosed.  Diagnosis of mental illness is so difficult in the fist place, when you add in alcohol or substance abuse it becomes even harder. I am hoping that this article will help the understanding of that it is like to diagnose a mental illness with another disease. Doctors have a practice of medicine because nothing is ever perfected.  The time it takes to diagnose properly could take years or decades.  Lets take women for instance with bipolar disorder.  As a teenager it might just be said it is their emotional ups and downs at first then if you ad drugs and alcohol into the mix the sexually promiscuous behavior and other risk taking behavior is also typical of not only alcoholism but other similar disorders.  For myself I have been diagnosed from everything from bad mood swings due to puberty and depression to borderline personality disorder.  No one ever put two and two together for at least 35 years.  Lets admit it no one goes to the Dr. when they are feeling really well and to do to the Dr. in depression it simply looks like you are depressed.  Also the Dr.s are only as good as the information you give them since I was never really honest about everything they made the best guesstimate they could.  It is not fair for me to blame them for not giving them all the information.  The stuck me on antidepressant the will help those who are bipolar swing into mania is misdiagnosed with out a mood stabilizer.  My suggestion for a proper diagnosis with a co-occurring disorder is to be completely honest with you Dr. and to use a psychiatrist for a diagnosis of mental illness. Some physicians like to dive into that area and they are not always well equipped to handle such diagnosis.  Using a mood chart you can print off line will also help determine your patterns of behavior.  Sometimes with co-occurring disorders self medicating takes precedence over anything else.  Be smart and treat yourself well you deserve it!

exercise

Mood stabilizers are the best way to make sure your moods stay stable. Exercise is the way to help ensure you have better moods and helps them stay stable.  It has been proven as I am sure you have heard the exercise increases your endorphins which in turn has an effect on your mood.  Endorphins according to definition reduce pain and affect emotions.  How do you do this when you are depressed.  Normally I believe in exercise and the only time i have difficulty is when I need it most to increase my moods.  Depression is  a mood that takes away your get up and go.  In order to exercise you need some kinda get up and go.  Everything during depression can be a chore, brushing your teeth can require great amounts of energy, making a meal, having a conversation amongst other things.  "Just increase your exercise and you will stay happy"- though it is true that exercise will increase your mood however it is not a complete deterrent in my opinion at least not for me for a mood stabilizer if it were that simple there would be not need for psychiatrists and therapists.  My get up and go as I like to say has got up and gone.

From a happy go lucky super confidant person to someone who is second guessing everything they do and super nauseous around ppl.  Wanting to be the other person and wishing I did not feel like this.  It's been a long time coming to feel depressed I had almost forgotten what it feels like.  The thoughts still race.  The feeling of being on top of the world yes is much better than the alternative but without medication is it really.  Some like to chance it.  I say I am too scared of chancing it I have seen what the wake of not medication will do.  Although I feel like there is no creativity and though the thoughts are racing they are not so free flowing.  It seems to be a struggle to have a conversation and to write.  What I do know is that this too shall pass the way all other feelings do.  I want to hear what others have to say about there medications if you take them and if you take them do you stop and start them.  Do you feel like you could be better without them or do you feel you think you lose yourself in the medication or are you over medicated and feel like Dr. do not listen to you.  I really hate feeling nauseous.  I guess I am really looking for outside interest and help about what you think about the medications for Bipolar Illness.  Negativity is not usually my cup of tea and I feel like depression is not always negativity.  It is not something I have control over.  Just like other feelings it is just a feeling.  Just like happiness, joy, bewilderment, anxious, anger.  Like the Chicago weather if you don't like my mo wait 5 min it sill change.  This time I think its gonna be gloomy for a minute.  I sit here not contemplating going somewhere with friends. Not feeling like I want to but knowing I should.

Feelings

Trusting feelings.  I am not sure this is something I do well.  Right now I am feeling uncomfortable so much so I feel nauseous.  I want to believe that I do not date because I do not want to hurt others or that I do not let people close to me because I do not want to hurt them.  A good friend pointed out to me that maybe I do not want to be hurt.  I disagreed with him but it has become blatantly clear to me that he is right.  I feel nauseous because I feel intimidated by someone.  Not sure why but I do.  This is not a feeling I am familiar with and one that I do not care for.  I typically run on the higher side of bipolar which means I stay on the side of grandiosity and self confidence and sometimes overly self confident and grandiose.  Well grandiosity is always overly if you are grandiose.  Anyway I have a big uncomfortable stress ball in the pit of my stomach.  I see now that I do not want to have to explain myself to people or feel vulnerable which puts myself in a position to be hurt.  For a long time now I have made sure I have not been in that position and now I feel like I am just because I am trying to feel my feelings instead of hiding behind them.  Normally I would just say something really sarcastic and hurtful so that person could not touch me and I do not want to do that anymore.  I am finished hiding.  It gets really lonely doing that.

As far as trusting my feelings I never really know which ones are the real ones so to speak.  I know when I feel good I need to watch how good I feel and the things that I am doing when I feel like that.  I know when I am not hungry for the day or overly tired I might be depressed but there are so many feelings in between that are there and they get covered up by the stronger ones.  Feeling is one of the most difficult things I have had to do on this journey with the BP disorder that I am hoping to get a handle on.  Right now I feel like I have no creativity I am just here and not having fun.  Yesterday someone said to me smile and I cried because I can not always smile but people are not used to me being normal so as much as I do not know what to do with me they do not know what to do with me either.  That makes me feel lonely because there are not many that understand what I am talking about.  Pain is something I have covered up for at least a year or so now so I know that I am due to go the other direction soon.  I just pray that the ride will not be that horrible.

The small symptoms of BP.

I have heard many say they are symptomatic with the big ups and downs.  I have noticed that I am symptomatic when I feel the slight changes in my moods.  The reason I say this is that I forever try to stop the symptoms when they start and recognizing when they start is the hard part.  I see the big dips in mood however it is when I feel the small ones that I need to pay attention to.  For instance today I could feel myself getting tired and sleepy then all the sudden getting restless (not sitting still).  The other night I was annoyed and irritated because I was hungry I was ready to bite someones head off.  These are the times that I need to be aware of- not because it is not normal to have these things go on it is that if I do not attend to them they get out of control for me.  I can get hungry but not stay hungry because if I do my mood takes a turn for the worst.  Not that people do not get irritable and restless then tired but if they change every 15 min or so there might be a problem.  It's all about learning about me.  The patterns is what teach me the most.  If I really look and am truly honest with myself I can see the problem before the problem starts.  The time to stop the fire is when it starts not when the fire truck have put it out already.

Anger or Rage?

Justified anger or unadulterated bipolar rage?  Not sure some understand what a stigma it creates when someone says something like" hes is really lucky I did not go bipolar on him".  I am not sure but I am not so flip about my anger and when I am I need to make sure it is not rage.  There is a difference between anger and rage.  I do not know about anyone else but 'going bipolar " is not a choice for me.  It is not a conscious decision I make. Flipping out is not fun and I do not take it lightly.  Mind you there are times that somethings I I do when that happens can be laughed at after I get through it.  For example, taking the staff at the hospital for a ride.  But to say I was bipolar when I go off gives the disease too much power over me and minimizes my responsibility in my actions.  Rage or anger I am still responsible for my actions on a daily basis.  I need to have humility in my life and be able to laugh in the right places.  I also really need to be careful what kind of message I am sending.  If I do not want to be treated with a stigma then I should not act like I should be treated with a stigma!  Please let me know your thought.

Gratitude

Gratitude for a mental disorder? Really?  For those of you that do not know what a co-occurring disorder is- typically speaking a co-occurring disorder is two disorders that run congruently in one person.  It usually pertains to substance and a mental illness.  For instance I am a recovering alcoholic and I am also bipolar.  My interest has always been human nature.  Probably because I have always felt different.  Alcoholism, drug addiction and mental illness run deep in my family.  I used to say that "I suffer" from now I say "I live with" bipolar and alcoholism.  Today I am a grateful to be a recovering bipolar alcoholic.  It's the old saying "when life gives you lemons you make lemonade."  Today I have a lemonade store!  I only relate to and understand people who have struggled in their lives with something.  People who skate through life, in my opinion, are either pretentious or boring or assholes or pretentious boring assholes.  I like the rough, fucked up people who have had a tough time.  Them I can get down with.  Them I can understand.  I hope I do not offend anyone here.  I am a firm believer that one can not really appreciate life like unless you have been at the face of something so insurmountably, excruciatingly painful that when you look up and it is over you are truly grateful.  I have had such experiences and continue to have them as bipolar takes me to those depths fast and furious even if I do nothing more than open my eyes.  Nothing needs to be happening in my life for me not to be OK.  All I need o do is breathe to not be OK.  Unfortunately or fortunately (as I like to say) because my brain works differently that is the way I am.  Today I am OK with that.  Here is the way I see it (mind you it has taken a long time to get this way) I ACE'd it (Accept it, Change it or Eliminate it).  I can't change it or eliminate it so I have learned to accept it and embrace it.  We all have a journey.  People who are bipolar have a special journey.  We are an amazing group of people with extraordinary talents.  Tapping into that energy and figuring out what to do with those amazingly high highs and channeling that energy just so is the hard part.  Through medication management and working with the Dr.'s and therapists to understand myself to the point where I can make a difference in my life today is how I live my life.  I do not want to be a victim in my life but I also understand enough to know I am not always in control of me.  It is a delicate balance and one that I have a healthy fear of.  FEAR (Face Everything And Recover).  So I get to live with gratitude today of what my life would be like without bipolar and alcoholism.  I KNOW I would definitely be one of the boring pretentious assholes!

The exact moment in time that things go awry is what I am trying to figure out.  In the past when I drank I figured out eventually that I could not get drunk if I did not drink.  It took about 15 years to figure that one out but I got it!  Where things go wrong in my brain is a little harder to pinpoint.  My adventures with Bipolar has taken me to places I would rather not admit to.  I am not talking about depression or mania specifically- well mania but the results of.  Sexual escapades, spending fiascoes, and other fucked up twisted situations I can not explain.  I keep trying to put up fail safes so I do not end up ion the messes that we do.  I have done everything from give my checkbook to a friend to ask the banker to protect my money from me.  The fact is that I can not protect me from me.  To stop drinking I stopped hanging out in bars and I got new friends and stopped buying liquor.  That was simple (HA) enough! (insert sarcasm here) My friends try to (God love them) to tell me to just make different choices, stop the behavior or calm down or what ever else they think helps.  My response is simply- change the chemicals in my body and remove my brain and I will be just fine.  They can not in any possible manner understand what I am talking about.  So I began my journey a few years ago to figure out the EXACT moment in time things go wrong.  I can say today I believe I am like a dog chasing my tail.  I keep ending up in the middle thinking I am at the beginning.  I have begun to outsmart myself. LMFAO!  The fail safes I have put up stopped working.  I have learned enough of my behaviors that I learned to counter most of them or at least become extremely good a rationalizing so I either believe my own bullshit or have others believing it!  Genius or stupidity I am not sure.  Fun is what I think it has become.  I learned a long time ago that alcoholism is cunning, baffling and powerful.  I say its got NOTHING on Bipolar Disorder!  Don't get me wrong I love myself today and appreciate the things and people in my life however I think that both alcoholism and Bipolar Disorder have me down for the count sometimes!  I can not see myself  EVER giving up on trying to figure out the exact moment in time thing switch over in my brain!  Please share with us your experience I wan to hear from others the things you go through in helping to figure out your own puzzle!!!!

Thank you!

The people in my life today are the most amazing people I know.  Not only do they accept me for who I am but nurture me when I am not quite who I want to be.  My mother has been an insurmountable source of strength, energy for me, not to mention my own personal cheering section.  My best friend in the whole wide universe has proven not only to be an angel to me at times but the most understanding, patient, gracious and just awesomely amazing person I know.  It has been long and rocky road.  Those that I have met in the past 10 years, not many have stayed or I chose to ask them to leave.  The turbulent times I go through are not easy for my friends and family and i am grateful for those who have weathered through.  For some they just know I am quirky.  Since I exit stage left at the times I am not what I call "people worthy" they really never know me for all of me.  For others I just seem high energy and still others that I call my true friends they have weathered through the storms so I can help them to learn and to understand.  I make friends easily and lose them easier.  I would like to say that I am an easy going, laid back, a real fly by the seat of my pants kinda girl all the time.  However, I am also an extremely sarcastic, volatile, passionate person that can turn full of rage and sometimes violent at the drop of a feather. There is nothing I would like to do more than to give back to those I have mentioned all they have given to me.  The love, understanding, compassion, patience and tolerance that has been shown to me by family and friends is more than I think (or know) was deserved.  Even though I know I am Bipolar Disorder I still try to make sense of my behavior and use my rational thinking to rationalize and irrational behavior.  At the same time I tell others that they are not fully in control of their action I somehow think I am different.  I think more because I want to be different and if I can just "control" it I would be different.  So to all who have befriended me and stuck with me I thank you.  To my mother I love you dearly and I would say God bless you but she is atheist and I am agnostic and we might burn in hell we do not believe in!

Thank you to all in my life today!

Apparently starting a blog in the middle of the night tends to leave a few typos.  My long bumpy road has taken to me to some terrifying places and to places I never thought I actually deserved.  Looking back at my life I can not say I would change a thing or it would change who I have become.  I am a true believer that we go through exactly what we need to exactly when we are supposed to exactly how we are supposed to and not a minute before or a minute after. NOTHING absolutely NOTHING happens by mistake in my life. Today I see myself not as suffering from but living with bipolar disorder.  Acceptance of this has been a long bumpy road.  I really have just come to complete terms with all that this really means.  I have gone from self medicating before I knew I was bipolar to running away from the idea like the plague and trying to avoid the "issue" like it was a cold that I could not shake to stuffing it into a box that would keep popping open to thinking I had really accepted (last year I had 8 W2's) and now finally understanding that I do not need to hide from it or try to "make myself APPEAR" what I believe "NORMAL" looks like (believe me when I do that I really look nuts).  I have been over medicated, misdiagnosed, misunderstood, self medicated.  I have tried to protect me from me. I have tried to protect others from me, I keep trying to rearrange my life to make sure nothing happens that I can fuck it up.  It is quite exhausting really.  All in all I am just mentally and physically exhausted.  Just recently I surrender to the fact that I need to recover.  Since the middle of 2009 I have slowly gotten worse.  The symptoms have gotten stronger and stronger.  By the grace of my higher power I was able as of recent to stare this in the face for what it really is and see that I do not need to be afraid.  All my vain attempts to control this  were not so vain.  I have learned  alot about me over the years.  While some symptoms have gotten stronger I have been able gratefully to redirect certain behaviors to more socially acceptable behavior.  Since I have done that it has also been easier for me to keep proving there is nothing"wrong" with me.  Living a lie is one thing believing the lie you are living is quit another.  I go so good at my outside appearance that some could not tell the difference.  Justification , denial and deception became my coping skills as far as this disease was concerned. Extreme sarcasm was a really good way too keep people away.  I have learned over the years if nothing else that I really did not want to hurt people and have not figured out how NOT to do that.  So even thought I have close friends in my life I am very careful how close they got to the Bipolar part of me ( as if I could separate myself).  Most people know me as that fun, silly off the wall kinda girl.  My eight year old tole me a few weeks ago "mom your the craziest person I know".  I have always been the life of the party.  I always thought that drinking did that it turns out that is really more of a Bipolar thing and drinking exaggerates it.  I have been bless to string together 13 years of sobriety.  Gratefully that has helped me understand the difference between Bipolar and alcoholic symptoms. The symptoms can mimic each other.  Reckless spending, life of the party and grandiosity overlap the two diseases and sometimes rage.  Once you strip alcohol away and years later you are left with the major ups and downs with extreme reckless spending, rage that scares the hell out of me, oversexed, crazed manic hot mess that cries at the drop of a pin curled up on the bathroom floor, it was apparent it was not alcohol. I can say today that with the help of my mom, my friends, my higher power and the rest of my support system I have a wonderful life.  Yes that includes the times I spend in the hospital.  I tend to go there at least once every couple of years or more and today that is OK.  I am not ashamed anymore.  Careful with who I trust with that information but not ashamed.  I did not make myself like this.  People are less likely to make judgment on the person that is blind or deaf than they do with the mentally ill person.  Just because we LOOK "NORMAL" does not mean we do not have a disability.  Granted our symptoms can scare the hell out people and are less likely to elicit empathy from society-we are still just ill not bad people.  It saddens me that the stigma continues.  I think partially that hiding from society helps perpetuate the stigma that is already there.  We hide because of the stigma and so we are stuck in a viscous cycle.  Breaking the cycle can be exhausting and being BP is already mentally, physically emotionally and spiritually exhausting. I refuse to let others silence me anymore.  The fact is that I am a recovering bipolar alcoholic and am damn proud of everything I am!

Being strapped to an electrical fence and you are not in control of the switch is the only way I have some up with to explain what it is like to be manic.  At times I can feel this switch in my head.  Other times it is not so apparent this switch has occurred.  People tell me "stop and think before you get mad"  or "just pull yourself out of the depression."  My response is (when I am in my right mind) "try to stop your knee from jerking when the Dr. hits it with a mallet", is there a thought process?  Or even "try to stop labor with a thought process.  these are not possible because there is no thought process involved.  I am what you call a mixed episode rapid cycler.  Bipolar Mania and depression happen at fast and furious rates.  I can be depressed an manic at the same time.  Exhausting and exhilarating at the same time.  I have experienced mania sometimes for months (usually mixed with some depression) and have been known to cycle within minutes.  In a matter of minutes I have gone from rage, laughter (hyena like), curled up like a baby crying and extremely paranoid , to just start over again in minutes.  I can only share my experience with you as it happens with me.  I am not speaking for anyone else  but me. My thought process usually comes after I am out of a manic episode.  Over the years I have learned to tune into when I am getting manic so I have developed certain safety nets, however, there is nothing that actually stops the mania.  The safety nets are only visible when medication is working properly, which does not always happen.  I have been know to flip table through walls, throw coffee in someones face  (luke warm coffee not scalding thank God) and spend 4000 in a few hours.  These are some of the consequences of my mania.  Somehow over the last 20 years or so I have managed to keep myself out of jail but not institutions.  The coffee incident was actually in an institution.  By the way a psych ward is NOT the best place to find a husband!!  I DO NOT make toothbrush commitments today because I tend to roll over men with a steamroller and back it up just in case.  I stay out of relationships because I am afraid of what I will do to them, not what they will do to me.  My life today is manageable.  Ever since I can remember I have had an extremely violent temper.  My mother tells me when I was a toddler my doctor told her during one of my check ups - this child has a really bad temper, according to her he was doing nothing more than a routine visit.  At the age of thirteen I started to self medicate and since then it has been an extremely long bumpy road.