acceptance

Acceptance is a process.  It is a process I thought I was finished with.  I thought I was OK being bipolar however I know know that I am OK with being manic.  I do not like the touchy feely part of this disorder.  Being manic I am not aware of my feelings.  It's like not quite having your feet on the ground.  When I am not nice I struggle with feelings and trying to decipher if they are true or over the top.  Feelings make me feel uncomfortable in my own skin and that is like my feet doing skids on the ground without shoes on.  Sparks fly from the friction.  Acceptance has come in pieces and I am now working on the acceptance of the reality of feelings.  It is also like a grieving process. Grieving the person you are when you are manic.  Trying not to intellectualize this and process for what it is is difficult.  I am still trying to fit it into a box and I know there is no box.  Then it just becomes frantically looking for a place to put it and never finding one.

co-occuring disorders

 have heard that co-occurring disorders are common in mental illness.  This is defined by one or more disorders running concurrently. Typically they are (but not limited to) substance abuse and mental illness.  The basic theory is that those with mental illness seem to self medicating.  Then again it can be the chicken and the egg theory too.   I personally believe it can go both ways.  There are certain times that the illness comes first and are biologically based and others I believe some can be drug induced.  I tend to weigh heavier on the biologically based for certain illnesses such as bipolar I can not see how it is drug induced.  I think that the withdrawal symptoms from drugs and other drug related symptoms can mimic the disease however they are not a true mental illness.  I believe also that Dr.s are too quick to diagnose those with withdrawal symptoms with mental illness before they let the withdrawal wear off first.  Sometimes it is true and other times people are misdiagnosed.  Diagnosis of mental illness is so difficult in the fist place, when you add in alcohol or substance abuse it becomes even harder. I am hoping that this article will help the understanding of that it is like to diagnose a mental illness with another disease. Doctors have a practice of medicine because nothing is ever perfected.  The time it takes to diagnose properly could take years or decades.  Lets take women for instance with bipolar disorder.  As a teenager it might just be said it is their emotional ups and downs at first then if you ad drugs and alcohol into the mix the sexually promiscuous behavior and other risk taking behavior is also typical of not only alcoholism but other similar disorders.  For myself I have been diagnosed from everything from bad mood swings due to puberty and depression to borderline personality disorder.  No one ever put two and two together for at least 35 years.  Lets admit it no one goes to the Dr. when they are feeling really well and to do to the Dr. in depression it simply looks like you are depressed.  Also the Dr.s are only as good as the information you give them since I was never really honest about everything they made the best guesstimate they could.  It is not fair for me to blame them for not giving them all the information.  The stuck me on antidepressant the will help those who are bipolar swing into mania is misdiagnosed with out a mood stabilizer.  My suggestion for a proper diagnosis with a co-occurring disorder is to be completely honest with you Dr. and to use a psychiatrist for a diagnosis of mental illness. Some physicians like to dive into that area and they are not always well equipped to handle such diagnosis.  Using a mood chart you can print off line will also help determine your patterns of behavior.  Sometimes with co-occurring disorders self medicating takes precedence over anything else.  Be smart and treat yourself well you deserve it!

exercise

Mood stabilizers are the best way to make sure your moods stay stable. Exercise is the way to help ensure you have better moods and helps them stay stable.  It has been proven as I am sure you have heard the exercise increases your endorphins which in turn has an effect on your mood.  Endorphins according to definition reduce pain and affect emotions.  How do you do this when you are depressed.  Normally I believe in exercise and the only time i have difficulty is when I need it most to increase my moods.  Depression is  a mood that takes away your get up and go.  In order to exercise you need some kinda get up and go.  Everything during depression can be a chore, brushing your teeth can require great amounts of energy, making a meal, having a conversation amongst other things.  "Just increase your exercise and you will stay happy"- though it is true that exercise will increase your mood however it is not a complete deterrent in my opinion at least not for me for a mood stabilizer if it were that simple there would be not need for psychiatrists and therapists.  My get up and go as I like to say has got up and gone.

From a happy go lucky super confidant person to someone who is second guessing everything they do and super nauseous around ppl.  Wanting to be the other person and wishing I did not feel like this.  It's been a long time coming to feel depressed I had almost forgotten what it feels like.  The thoughts still race.  The feeling of being on top of the world yes is much better than the alternative but without medication is it really.  Some like to chance it.  I say I am too scared of chancing it I have seen what the wake of not medication will do.  Although I feel like there is no creativity and though the thoughts are racing they are not so free flowing.  It seems to be a struggle to have a conversation and to write.  What I do know is that this too shall pass the way all other feelings do.  I want to hear what others have to say about there medications if you take them and if you take them do you stop and start them.  Do you feel like you could be better without them or do you feel you think you lose yourself in the medication or are you over medicated and feel like Dr. do not listen to you.  I really hate feeling nauseous.  I guess I am really looking for outside interest and help about what you think about the medications for Bipolar Illness.  Negativity is not usually my cup of tea and I feel like depression is not always negativity.  It is not something I have control over.  Just like other feelings it is just a feeling.  Just like happiness, joy, bewilderment, anxious, anger.  Like the Chicago weather if you don't like my mo wait 5 min it sill change.  This time I think its gonna be gloomy for a minute.  I sit here not contemplating going somewhere with friends. Not feeling like I want to but knowing I should.

Feelings

Trusting feelings.  I am not sure this is something I do well.  Right now I am feeling uncomfortable so much so I feel nauseous.  I want to believe that I do not date because I do not want to hurt others or that I do not let people close to me because I do not want to hurt them.  A good friend pointed out to me that maybe I do not want to be hurt.  I disagreed with him but it has become blatantly clear to me that he is right.  I feel nauseous because I feel intimidated by someone.  Not sure why but I do.  This is not a feeling I am familiar with and one that I do not care for.  I typically run on the higher side of bipolar which means I stay on the side of grandiosity and self confidence and sometimes overly self confident and grandiose.  Well grandiosity is always overly if you are grandiose.  Anyway I have a big uncomfortable stress ball in the pit of my stomach.  I see now that I do not want to have to explain myself to people or feel vulnerable which puts myself in a position to be hurt.  For a long time now I have made sure I have not been in that position and now I feel like I am just because I am trying to feel my feelings instead of hiding behind them.  Normally I would just say something really sarcastic and hurtful so that person could not touch me and I do not want to do that anymore.  I am finished hiding.  It gets really lonely doing that.

As far as trusting my feelings I never really know which ones are the real ones so to speak.  I know when I feel good I need to watch how good I feel and the things that I am doing when I feel like that.  I know when I am not hungry for the day or overly tired I might be depressed but there are so many feelings in between that are there and they get covered up by the stronger ones.  Feeling is one of the most difficult things I have had to do on this journey with the BP disorder that I am hoping to get a handle on.  Right now I feel like I have no creativity I am just here and not having fun.  Yesterday someone said to me smile and I cried because I can not always smile but people are not used to me being normal so as much as I do not know what to do with me they do not know what to do with me either.  That makes me feel lonely because there are not many that understand what I am talking about.  Pain is something I have covered up for at least a year or so now so I know that I am due to go the other direction soon.  I just pray that the ride will not be that horrible.

The small symptoms of BP.

I have heard many say they are symptomatic with the big ups and downs.  I have noticed that I am symptomatic when I feel the slight changes in my moods.  The reason I say this is that I forever try to stop the symptoms when they start and recognizing when they start is the hard part.  I see the big dips in mood however it is when I feel the small ones that I need to pay attention to.  For instance today I could feel myself getting tired and sleepy then all the sudden getting restless (not sitting still).  The other night I was annoyed and irritated because I was hungry I was ready to bite someones head off.  These are the times that I need to be aware of- not because it is not normal to have these things go on it is that if I do not attend to them they get out of control for me.  I can get hungry but not stay hungry because if I do my mood takes a turn for the worst.  Not that people do not get irritable and restless then tired but if they change every 15 min or so there might be a problem.  It's all about learning about me.  The patterns is what teach me the most.  If I really look and am truly honest with myself I can see the problem before the problem starts.  The time to stop the fire is when it starts not when the fire truck have put it out already.

Anger or Rage?

Justified anger or unadulterated bipolar rage?  Not sure some understand what a stigma it creates when someone says something like" hes is really lucky I did not go bipolar on him".  I am not sure but I am not so flip about my anger and when I am I need to make sure it is not rage.  There is a difference between anger and rage.  I do not know about anyone else but 'going bipolar " is not a choice for me.  It is not a conscious decision I make. Flipping out is not fun and I do not take it lightly.  Mind you there are times that somethings I I do when that happens can be laughed at after I get through it.  For example, taking the staff at the hospital for a ride.  But to say I was bipolar when I go off gives the disease too much power over me and minimizes my responsibility in my actions.  Rage or anger I am still responsible for my actions on a daily basis.  I need to have humility in my life and be able to laugh in the right places.  I also really need to be careful what kind of message I am sending.  If I do not want to be treated with a stigma then I should not act like I should be treated with a stigma!  Please let me know your thought.