overly medicated

I do not think that it is to a really bad extreme but I certainly feel like as my daughter puts it that I have "flat lined the fun-o-meter".  I visited my mother this past week and she said I have a glazed look to me like I am vacant.  I have not been up this late in a long time.  I drank an NOS and 4 shots of espresso to do so and it feels good.  I am not usually one to mess with my medication however I do feel like I need some umph put back into my life.  The balance of medication is really hard to find.  Not knowing what "normal" feels like it takes a while to get to a "normal" state of mind.  Then again I miss my mania to a degree.  I want my cake and eat it too.  I would like to keep thee mania without all of its crazy bad things that happen and I know that is not possible.  Feeling flat is boring and I also feel apprehensive and extremely self conscious. I feel most the time like I look like a deer caught in headlights or a piece of petrified wood.  Not knowing what to say or how to act I think is caused by over medication.  Really all I want is to have a normal life and feel good which seems to be asking too much right now.  The fact that I am always second guessing how I am feeling makes me think that my life as I know it will never be "normal" whatever that means.  "Normal" is an illusion that is created by society to have a norm to refer to as a standard by which to measure each other.  Without standards and norms society would not be able to label us as mentally defective.  The truth of the matter is that there is no "normal"  every family or person has something about them that is skewed, we all have our secrets to tell.  Some are just more forthcoming than others.  I for one do not live my life by the standards of society due to the fact that I think they do not work for me.  According to society by this age I should be happily married with 2.5 children (how you get half the child I will never understand)  I am divorced twice with no intention of ever getting married again and I have four children.  My intention today is to do what makes me happy and fulfill what I think my life needs, if that fits into society;s plan so be it if not fuck it!  Being bipolar is a double edged sword on one side you feel as though you can do anything on the other side it can feel as though it will do anything to you.