Apparently starting a blog in the middle of the night tends to leave a few typos.  My long bumpy road has taken to me to some terrifying places and to places I never thought I actually deserved.  Looking back at my life I can not say I would change a thing or it would change who I have become.  I am a true believer that we go through exactly what we need to exactly when we are supposed to exactly how we are supposed to and not a minute before or a minute after. NOTHING absolutely NOTHING happens by mistake in my life. Today I see myself not as suffering from but living with bipolar disorder.  Acceptance of this has been a long bumpy road.  I really have just come to complete terms with all that this really means.  I have gone from self medicating before I knew I was bipolar to running away from the idea like the plague and trying to avoid the "issue" like it was a cold that I could not shake to stuffing it into a box that would keep popping open to thinking I had really accepted (last year I had 8 W2's) and now finally understanding that I do not need to hide from it or try to "make myself APPEAR" what I believe "NORMAL" looks like (believe me when I do that I really look nuts).  I have been over medicated, misdiagnosed, misunderstood, self medicated.  I have tried to protect me from me. I have tried to protect others from me, I keep trying to rearrange my life to make sure nothing happens that I can fuck it up.  It is quite exhausting really.  All in all I am just mentally and physically exhausted.  Just recently I surrender to the fact that I need to recover.  Since the middle of 2009 I have slowly gotten worse.  The symptoms have gotten stronger and stronger.  By the grace of my higher power I was able as of recent to stare this in the face for what it really is and see that I do not need to be afraid.  All my vain attempts to control this  were not so vain.  I have learned  alot about me over the years.  While some symptoms have gotten stronger I have been able gratefully to redirect certain behaviors to more socially acceptable behavior.  Since I have done that it has also been easier for me to keep proving there is nothing"wrong" with me.  Living a lie is one thing believing the lie you are living is quit another.  I go so good at my outside appearance that some could not tell the difference.  Justification , denial and deception became my coping skills as far as this disease was concerned. Extreme sarcasm was a really good way too keep people away.  I have learned over the years if nothing else that I really did not want to hurt people and have not figured out how NOT to do that.  So even thought I have close friends in my life I am very careful how close they got to the Bipolar part of me ( as if I could separate myself).  Most people know me as that fun, silly off the wall kinda girl.  My eight year old tole me a few weeks ago "mom your the craziest person I know".  I have always been the life of the party.  I always thought that drinking did that it turns out that is really more of a Bipolar thing and drinking exaggerates it.  I have been bless to string together 13 years of sobriety.  Gratefully that has helped me understand the difference between Bipolar and alcoholic symptoms. The symptoms can mimic each other.  Reckless spending, life of the party and grandiosity overlap the two diseases and sometimes rage.  Once you strip alcohol away and years later you are left with the major ups and downs with extreme reckless spending, rage that scares the hell out of me, oversexed, crazed manic hot mess that cries at the drop of a pin curled up on the bathroom floor, it was apparent it was not alcohol. I can say today that with the help of my mom, my friends, my higher power and the rest of my support system I have a wonderful life.  Yes that includes the times I spend in the hospital.  I tend to go there at least once every couple of years or more and today that is OK.  I am not ashamed anymore.  Careful with who I trust with that information but not ashamed.  I did not make myself like this.  People are less likely to make judgment on the person that is blind or deaf than they do with the mentally ill person.  Just because we LOOK "NORMAL" does not mean we do not have a disability.  Granted our symptoms can scare the hell out people and are less likely to elicit empathy from society-we are still just ill not bad people.  It saddens me that the stigma continues.  I think partially that hiding from society helps perpetuate the stigma that is already there.  We hide because of the stigma and so we are stuck in a viscous cycle.  Breaking the cycle can be exhausting and being BP is already mentally, physically emotionally and spiritually exhausting. I refuse to let others silence me anymore.  The fact is that I am a recovering bipolar alcoholic and am damn proud of everything I am!

Being strapped to an electrical fence and you are not in control of the switch is the only way I have some up with to explain what it is like to be manic.  At times I can feel this switch in my head.  Other times it is not so apparent this switch has occurred.  People tell me "stop and think before you get mad"  or "just pull yourself out of the depression."  My response is (when I am in my right mind) "try to stop your knee from jerking when the Dr. hits it with a mallet", is there a thought process?  Or even "try to stop labor with a thought process.  these are not possible because there is no thought process involved.  I am what you call a mixed episode rapid cycler.  Bipolar Mania and depression happen at fast and furious rates.  I can be depressed an manic at the same time.  Exhausting and exhilarating at the same time.  I have experienced mania sometimes for months (usually mixed with some depression) and have been known to cycle within minutes.  In a matter of minutes I have gone from rage, laughter (hyena like), curled up like a baby crying and extremely paranoid , to just start over again in minutes.  I can only share my experience with you as it happens with me.  I am not speaking for anyone else  but me. My thought process usually comes after I am out of a manic episode.  Over the years I have learned to tune into when I am getting manic so I have developed certain safety nets, however, there is nothing that actually stops the mania.  The safety nets are only visible when medication is working properly, which does not always happen.  I have been know to flip table through walls, throw coffee in someones face  (luke warm coffee not scalding thank God) and spend 4000 in a few hours.  These are some of the consequences of my mania.  Somehow over the last 20 years or so I have managed to keep myself out of jail but not institutions.  The coffee incident was actually in an institution.  By the way a psych ward is NOT the best place to find a husband!!  I DO NOT make toothbrush commitments today because I tend to roll over men with a steamroller and back it up just in case.  I stay out of relationships because I am afraid of what I will do to them, not what they will do to me.  My life today is manageable.  Ever since I can remember I have had an extremely violent temper.  My mother tells me when I was a toddler my doctor told her during one of my check ups - this child has a really bad temper, according to her he was doing nothing more than a routine visit.  At the age of thirteen I started to self medicate and since then it has been an extremely long bumpy road.