Feelings

Trusting feelings.  I am not sure this is something I do well.  Right now I am feeling uncomfortable so much so I feel nauseous.  I want to believe that I do not date because I do not want to hurt others or that I do not let people close to me because I do not want to hurt them.  A good friend pointed out to me that maybe I do not want to be hurt.  I disagreed with him but it has become blatantly clear to me that he is right.  I feel nauseous because I feel intimidated by someone.  Not sure why but I do.  This is not a feeling I am familiar with and one that I do not care for.  I typically run on the higher side of bipolar which means I stay on the side of grandiosity and self confidence and sometimes overly self confident and grandiose.  Well grandiosity is always overly if you are grandiose.  Anyway I have a big uncomfortable stress ball in the pit of my stomach.  I see now that I do not want to have to explain myself to people or feel vulnerable which puts myself in a position to be hurt.  For a long time now I have made sure I have not been in that position and now I feel like I am just because I am trying to feel my feelings instead of hiding behind them.  Normally I would just say something really sarcastic and hurtful so that person could not touch me and I do not want to do that anymore.  I am finished hiding.  It gets really lonely doing that.

As far as trusting my feelings I never really know which ones are the real ones so to speak.  I know when I feel good I need to watch how good I feel and the things that I am doing when I feel like that.  I know when I am not hungry for the day or overly tired I might be depressed but there are so many feelings in between that are there and they get covered up by the stronger ones.  Feeling is one of the most difficult things I have had to do on this journey with the BP disorder that I am hoping to get a handle on.  Right now I feel like I have no creativity I am just here and not having fun.  Yesterday someone said to me smile and I cried because I can not always smile but people are not used to me being normal so as much as I do not know what to do with me they do not know what to do with me either.  That makes me feel lonely because there are not many that understand what I am talking about.  Pain is something I have covered up for at least a year or so now so I know that I am due to go the other direction soon.  I just pray that the ride will not be that horrible.

Gratitude

Gratitude for a mental disorder? Really?  For those of you that do not know what a co-occurring disorder is- typically speaking a co-occurring disorder is two disorders that run congruently in one person.  It usually pertains to substance and a mental illness.  For instance I am a recovering alcoholic and I am also bipolar.  My interest has always been human nature.  Probably because I have always felt different.  Alcoholism, drug addiction and mental illness run deep in my family.  I used to say that "I suffer" from now I say "I live with" bipolar and alcoholism.  Today I am a grateful to be a recovering bipolar alcoholic.  It's the old saying "when life gives you lemons you make lemonade."  Today I have a lemonade store!  I only relate to and understand people who have struggled in their lives with something.  People who skate through life, in my opinion, are either pretentious or boring or assholes or pretentious boring assholes.  I like the rough, fucked up people who have had a tough time.  Them I can get down with.  Them I can understand.  I hope I do not offend anyone here.  I am a firm believer that one can not really appreciate life like unless you have been at the face of something so insurmountably, excruciatingly painful that when you look up and it is over you are truly grateful.  I have had such experiences and continue to have them as bipolar takes me to those depths fast and furious even if I do nothing more than open my eyes.  Nothing needs to be happening in my life for me not to be OK.  All I need o do is breathe to not be OK.  Unfortunately or fortunately (as I like to say) because my brain works differently that is the way I am.  Today I am OK with that.  Here is the way I see it (mind you it has taken a long time to get this way) I ACE'd it (Accept it, Change it or Eliminate it).  I can't change it or eliminate it so I have learned to accept it and embrace it.  We all have a journey.  People who are bipolar have a special journey.  We are an amazing group of people with extraordinary talents.  Tapping into that energy and figuring out what to do with those amazingly high highs and channeling that energy just so is the hard part.  Through medication management and working with the Dr.'s and therapists to understand myself to the point where I can make a difference in my life today is how I live my life.  I do not want to be a victim in my life but I also understand enough to know I am not always in control of me.  It is a delicate balance and one that I have a healthy fear of.  FEAR (Face Everything And Recover).  So I get to live with gratitude today of what my life would be like without bipolar and alcoholism.  I KNOW I would definitely be one of the boring pretentious assholes!

The exact moment in time that things go awry is what I am trying to figure out.  In the past when I drank I figured out eventually that I could not get drunk if I did not drink.  It took about 15 years to figure that one out but I got it!  Where things go wrong in my brain is a little harder to pinpoint.  My adventures with Bipolar has taken me to places I would rather not admit to.  I am not talking about depression or mania specifically- well mania but the results of.  Sexual escapades, spending fiascoes, and other fucked up twisted situations I can not explain.  I keep trying to put up fail safes so I do not end up ion the messes that we do.  I have done everything from give my checkbook to a friend to ask the banker to protect my money from me.  The fact is that I can not protect me from me.  To stop drinking I stopped hanging out in bars and I got new friends and stopped buying liquor.  That was simple (HA) enough! (insert sarcasm here) My friends try to (God love them) to tell me to just make different choices, stop the behavior or calm down or what ever else they think helps.  My response is simply- change the chemicals in my body and remove my brain and I will be just fine.  They can not in any possible manner understand what I am talking about.  So I began my journey a few years ago to figure out the EXACT moment in time things go wrong.  I can say today I believe I am like a dog chasing my tail.  I keep ending up in the middle thinking I am at the beginning.  I have begun to outsmart myself. LMFAO!  The fail safes I have put up stopped working.  I have learned enough of my behaviors that I learned to counter most of them or at least become extremely good a rationalizing so I either believe my own bullshit or have others believing it!  Genius or stupidity I am not sure.  Fun is what I think it has become.  I learned a long time ago that alcoholism is cunning, baffling and powerful.  I say its got NOTHING on Bipolar Disorder!  Don't get me wrong I love myself today and appreciate the things and people in my life however I think that both alcoholism and Bipolar Disorder have me down for the count sometimes!  I can not see myself  EVER giving up on trying to figure out the exact moment in time thing switch over in my brain!  Please share with us your experience I wan to hear from others the things you go through in helping to figure out your own puzzle!!!!

Thank you!

The people in my life today are the most amazing people I know.  Not only do they accept me for who I am but nurture me when I am not quite who I want to be.  My mother has been an insurmountable source of strength, energy for me, not to mention my own personal cheering section.  My best friend in the whole wide universe has proven not only to be an angel to me at times but the most understanding, patient, gracious and just awesomely amazing person I know.  It has been long and rocky road.  Those that I have met in the past 10 years, not many have stayed or I chose to ask them to leave.  The turbulent times I go through are not easy for my friends and family and i am grateful for those who have weathered through.  For some they just know I am quirky.  Since I exit stage left at the times I am not what I call "people worthy" they really never know me for all of me.  For others I just seem high energy and still others that I call my true friends they have weathered through the storms so I can help them to learn and to understand.  I make friends easily and lose them easier.  I would like to say that I am an easy going, laid back, a real fly by the seat of my pants kinda girl all the time.  However, I am also an extremely sarcastic, volatile, passionate person that can turn full of rage and sometimes violent at the drop of a feather. There is nothing I would like to do more than to give back to those I have mentioned all they have given to me.  The love, understanding, compassion, patience and tolerance that has been shown to me by family and friends is more than I think (or know) was deserved.  Even though I know I am Bipolar Disorder I still try to make sense of my behavior and use my rational thinking to rationalize and irrational behavior.  At the same time I tell others that they are not fully in control of their action I somehow think I am different.  I think more because I want to be different and if I can just "control" it I would be different.  So to all who have befriended me and stuck with me I thank you.  To my mother I love you dearly and I would say God bless you but she is atheist and I am agnostic and we might burn in hell we do not believe in!

Thank you to all in my life today!

Apparently starting a blog in the middle of the night tends to leave a few typos.  My long bumpy road has taken to me to some terrifying places and to places I never thought I actually deserved.  Looking back at my life I can not say I would change a thing or it would change who I have become.  I am a true believer that we go through exactly what we need to exactly when we are supposed to exactly how we are supposed to and not a minute before or a minute after. NOTHING absolutely NOTHING happens by mistake in my life. Today I see myself not as suffering from but living with bipolar disorder.  Acceptance of this has been a long bumpy road.  I really have just come to complete terms with all that this really means.  I have gone from self medicating before I knew I was bipolar to running away from the idea like the plague and trying to avoid the "issue" like it was a cold that I could not shake to stuffing it into a box that would keep popping open to thinking I had really accepted (last year I had 8 W2's) and now finally understanding that I do not need to hide from it or try to "make myself APPEAR" what I believe "NORMAL" looks like (believe me when I do that I really look nuts).  I have been over medicated, misdiagnosed, misunderstood, self medicated.  I have tried to protect me from me. I have tried to protect others from me, I keep trying to rearrange my life to make sure nothing happens that I can fuck it up.  It is quite exhausting really.  All in all I am just mentally and physically exhausted.  Just recently I surrender to the fact that I need to recover.  Since the middle of 2009 I have slowly gotten worse.  The symptoms have gotten stronger and stronger.  By the grace of my higher power I was able as of recent to stare this in the face for what it really is and see that I do not need to be afraid.  All my vain attempts to control this  were not so vain.  I have learned  alot about me over the years.  While some symptoms have gotten stronger I have been able gratefully to redirect certain behaviors to more socially acceptable behavior.  Since I have done that it has also been easier for me to keep proving there is nothing"wrong" with me.  Living a lie is one thing believing the lie you are living is quit another.  I go so good at my outside appearance that some could not tell the difference.  Justification , denial and deception became my coping skills as far as this disease was concerned. Extreme sarcasm was a really good way too keep people away.  I have learned over the years if nothing else that I really did not want to hurt people and have not figured out how NOT to do that.  So even thought I have close friends in my life I am very careful how close they got to the Bipolar part of me ( as if I could separate myself).  Most people know me as that fun, silly off the wall kinda girl.  My eight year old tole me a few weeks ago "mom your the craziest person I know".  I have always been the life of the party.  I always thought that drinking did that it turns out that is really more of a Bipolar thing and drinking exaggerates it.  I have been bless to string together 13 years of sobriety.  Gratefully that has helped me understand the difference between Bipolar and alcoholic symptoms. The symptoms can mimic each other.  Reckless spending, life of the party and grandiosity overlap the two diseases and sometimes rage.  Once you strip alcohol away and years later you are left with the major ups and downs with extreme reckless spending, rage that scares the hell out of me, oversexed, crazed manic hot mess that cries at the drop of a pin curled up on the bathroom floor, it was apparent it was not alcohol. I can say today that with the help of my mom, my friends, my higher power and the rest of my support system I have a wonderful life.  Yes that includes the times I spend in the hospital.  I tend to go there at least once every couple of years or more and today that is OK.  I am not ashamed anymore.  Careful with who I trust with that information but not ashamed.  I did not make myself like this.  People are less likely to make judgment on the person that is blind or deaf than they do with the mentally ill person.  Just because we LOOK "NORMAL" does not mean we do not have a disability.  Granted our symptoms can scare the hell out people and are less likely to elicit empathy from society-we are still just ill not bad people.  It saddens me that the stigma continues.  I think partially that hiding from society helps perpetuate the stigma that is already there.  We hide because of the stigma and so we are stuck in a viscous cycle.  Breaking the cycle can be exhausting and being BP is already mentally, physically emotionally and spiritually exhausting. I refuse to let others silence me anymore.  The fact is that I am a recovering bipolar alcoholic and am damn proud of everything I am!