puttin the pieces back together!

It seems like an eternity after a psychological breakdown happens that it takes to put the pieces back together.  You life seems to be in shambles.  If you are lucky you still have your job and the rest of you life in tact.  For those of you who lost a job or friends or family members due to your illness you know what I am talking about.  I went into the psych ward with a job and came out with out a job or an income.  This time I did not put myself into too much debt but I still have the wreckage to clean up.  After 3 months I finally have a job  and it seems like I have been out of work for a year.  Financially I took a dive. After years of going thru this I would like just once to be able to not have to start all over again.  The one thing in a long list of many I am grateful for is that my family and friends have not given up on me.  I have seen how mental illness takes its toll on loved ones.  My mother has always stood by me no matter what.  I have been lucky in that way.  My friends that I have managed to keep, as mental illness is has it's toll on relationships, have forgiven me over and over again in the past.  Today I have managed to keep the collateral damage down to a minimum.  The only wreckage I seem to have is financial.  I would like someday to be able to support myself without the help of others.  If this will ever happen I can then say I have gotten everything I need.
 

overly medicated

I do not think that it is to a really bad extreme but I certainly feel like as my daughter puts it that I have "flat lined the fun-o-meter".  I visited my mother this past week and she said I have a glazed look to me like I am vacant.  I have not been up this late in a long time.  I drank an NOS and 4 shots of espresso to do so and it feels good.  I am not usually one to mess with my medication however I do feel like I need some umph put back into my life.  The balance of medication is really hard to find.  Not knowing what "normal" feels like it takes a while to get to a "normal" state of mind.  Then again I miss my mania to a degree.  I want my cake and eat it too.  I would like to keep thee mania without all of its crazy bad things that happen and I know that is not possible.  Feeling flat is boring and I also feel apprehensive and extremely self conscious. I feel most the time like I look like a deer caught in headlights or a piece of petrified wood.  Not knowing what to say or how to act I think is caused by over medication.  Really all I want is to have a normal life and feel good which seems to be asking too much right now.  The fact that I am always second guessing how I am feeling makes me think that my life as I know it will never be "normal" whatever that means.  "Normal" is an illusion that is created by society to have a norm to refer to as a standard by which to measure each other.  Without standards and norms society would not be able to label us as mentally defective.  The truth of the matter is that there is no "normal"  every family or person has something about them that is skewed, we all have our secrets to tell.  Some are just more forthcoming than others.  I for one do not live my life by the standards of society due to the fact that I think they do not work for me.  According to society by this age I should be happily married with 2.5 children (how you get half the child I will never understand)  I am divorced twice with no intention of ever getting married again and I have four children.  My intention today is to do what makes me happy and fulfill what I think my life needs, if that fits into society;s plan so be it if not fuck it!  Being bipolar is a double edged sword on one side you feel as though you can do anything on the other side it can feel as though it will do anything to you.

energy

Is the energy we have over the top or just a normal spurt of energy?  How to determine the energy we have.  It is hard enough to weed through the feelings we have and how to manage them.  In the past few days I have painted half a room, read part of 2 books, seen 3 movies gone for a walk, gone for a 5 mile bike ride and who knows what else.  At the time it all seems normal to me but foe most this seems over the top this really was all in a day and a half.  What I look for is the other signs of mania the talking fast the talking over people, anger or rage spending sprees of which I have none.  So I call it being productive.  Having manic symptoms does not always have to be a bad thing if it is productive.  Mania is thought of as a negative but those negative energies if channeled the right way can turn into productive creative energy.  I do not believe that creativity is lost through medication.  I do believe that that it takes time to get that creativity back once on medication or the right regimen of medication.Tap into your energy and see what happens it can be just as exhilarating as it is when medicated.  This is one of the reasons that people who are medicated stay that was for years because they are afraid to loose themselves in the medication.  With a good doctor and therapist this does not need to happen.  Unfortunately advocating for yourself is the hard thing to do but do not stop fighting to get your message through to you doctor.  Energy is where I like to be.  Some of us live mostly in depression and that is a difficult place to be.  I am fortunate I live mostly in mania or mixed episodes.  But with the right doctors and the right balance even then you can be brought up to a normal energy level.  Sometimes it is hard to tell if you are reaching over the top energies.  There are tell tale signs of that you are tipping the scales.  Those signs that are classic seem to be talking fast, spending sprees, feeling overly sexed, and risk taking behavior.  Unfortunately until you have a good handle on you illness it is difficult to cut these off at the head.  I set up fail safes for myself so I know when I am getting out of hand, such as, letting friends know when to warn me I am talking fast because I can not always see it, also letting them know that they cna approach me with my behavior.  Be cause I am really good at manipulation or not listening I have them email me it is hard to ignore paper it is easy to talk over people.  So get to know you and what it feels like to be normal.  I also know if I am questioning myself I might be heading in the wrong direction.